Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My love language is hissing.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.