Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
You Might Also Like
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft