*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
You Might Also Like
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.