Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.