*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
From my Mom
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
all that yoga finally paid off
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT