When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
#DesignFail