We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Finally, a door that understands me
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you