Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
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In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]