In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
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every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
sistine chapel
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?