*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks


One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?


Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK


Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*


Me: *singing full volume* A B C D…ok cool

Me: A B C D E F G H I…ok cool

Me: A B C…ok cool

Librarian: For the love of God please stop.

(Me trying to find a Charles Dickens book at the library)


Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?


Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH


My manager is off this week and I’m the supervisor and people keep looking at me for answers

Like guys I was late to work this morning because I followed a particularly fat squirrel the wrong way through the park for 5 minutes let’s wait for the real grown-ups


Sliding into your DMs like hey how you doiiinnNNNO IM SLIDING TOO FAST WHY IS IT SO SLIPPERY IN HERE WHAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa

*distant sound of breaking glass*


The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything