Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end