My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married