Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it