@ADHDeanASL

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

@ADHDeanASL

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

@ADHDeanASL

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

@ADHDeanASL

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

@ADHDeanASL

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

@ADHDeanASL

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

@ADHDeanASL

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

@ADHDeanASL

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

@ADHDeanASL

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it