Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
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The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
🤣✨#caturday
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”