ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
You Might Also Like
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!