Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
When I laugh on my period
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.