My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
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God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My apartment is a mess, I should move
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
this is the greatest thing ever
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.