13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
You Might Also Like
is it earth
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision