My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
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Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
A short story of betrayal:
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.