Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
You Might Also Like
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Breaking news:
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT