The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
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Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.