Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You Might Also Like
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
yall want some gasoline milk
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Every work call, he judges.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
the short answer to this question
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys