Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.