My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
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him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
whenever i wake up before my alarm
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.