My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
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“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Who’s your best friend?
Children of the corn 🌽
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.