[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
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Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.