Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
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When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
San Francisco has too many rules
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Sharon, call the vet
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.