Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped