thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
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Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I love you…
…r dog.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Social distancing in Australia:
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.