Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
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guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman