friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi