Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
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I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.