Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.