It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
True freaking story!
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.