Meow
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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
God making man in his image was the original selfie
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.