*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
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ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
This kinda thing happens to me often
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
A wise man once said nothing.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.