@AbbieEvansXO

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

@AbbieEvansXO

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

@AbbieEvansXO

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

@AbbieEvansXO

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

@AbbieEvansXO

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

@AbbieEvansXO

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]