@AbbieEvansXO
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
@AbbieEvansXO
@AbbieEvansXO
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
@AbbieEvansXO
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
@AbbieEvansXO
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
@AbbieEvansXO
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
@AbbieEvansXO
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
@AbbieEvansXO
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
@AbbieEvansXO
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
@AbbieEvansXO
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
@AbbieEvansXO
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]