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Page of AbbieEvansXO's best tweets

@AbbieEvansXO : Drug dealer: if you're a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

@AbbieEvansXO: [being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

@AbbieEvansXO: Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

@AbbieEvansXO: Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

@AbbieEvansXO: Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what's the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it's 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

@AbbieEvansXO: My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

@AbbieEvansXO: [18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

@AbbieEvansXO: Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you're the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

@AbbieEvansXO: [when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

@AbbieEvansXO: [alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist