My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
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[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer