Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
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To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.