Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.