@AbbyHasIssues

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

@AbbyHasIssues

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

@AbbyHasIssues

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

@AbbyHasIssues

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

@AbbyHasIssues

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

@AbbyHasIssues

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

@AbbyHasIssues

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

@AbbyHasIssues

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

@AbbyHasIssues

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.