9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
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mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Me irl
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.