@AbbyHasIssues

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@AbbyHasIssues

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

@AbbyHasIssues

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

@AbbyHasIssues

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

@AbbyHasIssues

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.