[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
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Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE