I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
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penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.