@AbleLikes

William Shakespeare’s rapper name would be Playbill Shakes

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My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”

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I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste

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I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.

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Once when my son was little he told me that I saved him from the zombies in his nightmare by hitting them over the head with bags of groceries and saying “how rude!” when they tried to bite people.

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Next time 2020 calls I’m letting it go to voicemail then chucking my phone in the ocean.

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party at my place – b.y.o.b. (bring your own biocontainment)

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missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night

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I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon

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me: all my underwear is black, like my soul

also me: OH MY GOD IS THAT A PUPPY? IT’S SO PRECIOUS!!!! WHO’S A GOOD BOY YOU’RE A GOOD BOY! YES YOU ARE