William Shakespeare’s rapper name would be Playbill Shakes
My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”
I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste
I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.
Once when my son was little he told me that I saved him from the zombies in his nightmare by hitting them over the head with bags of groceries and saying “how rude!” when they tried to bite people.
Next time 2020 calls I’m letting it go to voicemail then chucking my phone in the ocean.
party at my place – b.y.o.b. (bring your own biocontainment)
missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night
I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon
me: all my underwear is black, like my soul
also me: OH MY GOD IS THAT A PUPPY? IT’S SO PRECIOUS!!!! WHO’S A GOOD BOY YOU’RE A GOOD BOY! YES YOU ARE