The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.