Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of AbrasiveGhost's best tweets

@AbrasiveGhost : *deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

@AbrasiveGhost: Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

@AbrasiveGhost: [starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

@AbrasiveGhost: Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

@AbrasiveGhost: [Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

@AbrasiveGhost: [Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what's the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

@AbrasiveGhost: What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don't u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

@AbrasiveGhost: HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

@AbrasiveGhost: [torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I'LL TELL U ANYTHING