@AbrasiveGhost

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

@AbrasiveGhost

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

@AbrasiveGhost

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

@AbrasiveGhost

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

@AbrasiveGhost

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

@AbrasiveGhost

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

@AbrasiveGhost

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

@AbrasiveGhost

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

@AbrasiveGhost

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

@AbrasiveGhost

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats