EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy