My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.