SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
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Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.